I miss it
by love-ie
Summary: Sherlock and John broke up because of Sherlocks sexual orientation. Sherlock still loves John a lot, but does John feel the same?


Hey guys! i made a new story! (finally ) this time its a little more serious. i just have to say before some people starts to complain. yes sherlock is Asexual in this fic and it's all based on my own thoughts (i'm asexual myself). well have fun!

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><p>He slowly traced his fingers over my chest and I gave a small shiver. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips, then my cheek, my neck, shoulder, chest, belly and finally just above my pants. I started to breathe a little heavier and leaned on my elbows to see the other man. He looked up at me and gave that oh so gentle smile.<p>

"It's going to be okay, just relax"

I took a deep breath and gave him a small nod. That was all the blonde man needed and he slowly started to loosen my belt and pulled my pants down in one move. I gave a gasp at the sudden expose of my skin and looked down.

Blue eyes were locked with mine. He looked impatient, like he was waiting for my permission to continue. I gave another small nod and he smiled.

He sat upright and softly took my leg. He stroked it a little before placing kisses on my thigh.

All I could do was look at him, my face all flustered. I looked at him while he slowly reached a part of me I was not sure about if I wanted it to be touched. A part of me told me to stop him, but another part wanted him to continue. I decided to go with the last one because I didn't want to lose him, not like this. I took another deep breath.

He finally reached the edge of my underpants and then he suddenly gave a kiss on the bulge that had formed itself between my legs. I gave a soft groan and I threw my head back. He took the edge of my underwear and pulled it down. My eyes shot open.

_No.. I don't want this._

I wanted to say something but I couldn't make a sound. I tried to stop him, or get away but I couldn't move my body.

_No, please… stop…_

I could see how he slowly moved his head more downward. He opened his mouth and I could feel the warm breath against my bare skin. I opened my mouth to say something but again I couldn't make a sound. He closed his mouth and-

"John!"

I quickly sat upright, breathing heavily. I looked around, scanning the room for any trace of activity. I was in my bedroom, alone, no john. He's never been here.

I sighed and placed my head in my hands. "Just a dream… thank god…"

Then the door suddenly opened and I looked around. John was standing in the doorway. He looked a little worried.

"Are you okay? I heard you scream"

"Yea I'm fine. Just a bad dream, nothing serious." a lie. It was serious. I have had these kinds of dreams since that day. Since the day john and I broke up.

"You're sure? You look a little pale." He wanted to walk up to me but I waved him off.

"Yea yea I told you, I'm fine."

John stopped and stared at me for a little. "Okay then, I will make you some tea. That will make you feel better" thank you, I nodded and he walked out of my room again. I threw the blanket off me and noticed the wet spot between my legs. "Fuck…." I cursed under my breath. I pulled up my knees, threw my arms around them and buried my face in them.

I stayed like that for a while before slipping out of bed, taking the fitted sheet off the bed and throwing it in the corner together with my underwear and trousers. I quickly put on a clean pair and walked into the living room.

John was sitting in his chair reading the daily newspaper and drinking his tea. He lowered the newspaper when I sat down. I folded my legs underneath me, took my tea and looked at him.

"Am I alright, yes I am. What was the dream about, I don't remember. Any idea what it could be, no." I said quickly before carefully taking a sip of the hot tea.

John stared a little longer before going back to the news. We both didn't say anything.

The day went by extremely quiet. I did some experiments and john went to Sarah, did some shopping and cooked dinner. Before I knew it, it was dark outside and john went back to bed.

Around 4 am I went to bed myself but I couldn't sleep. I thought. I thought about the dream I had last night. I thought whether I should tell john or not. Maybe I should. I mean, it did, sort of, involve him.

I decided to tell him in the morning. Maybe we could talk things over, talk about my sexual feelings. And maybe, just maybe john would decide to give me a second chance. I felt happy about this thought but quickly set it aside. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

I lay down, staring at the ceiling for a while longer before falling in a deep sleep.

The next day I woke up with a heavy feeling in my head. I looked at the clock and saw it was already 2 pm. I quickly got out of bed and walked to the living room. John wasn't there. I looked in the bathroom, the kitchen and finally his bedroom. But he wasn't there either. I walked back down and saw a note on the kitchen table.

I'm out all day. There are some leftovers in the fridge. Don't wait for me.  
>-JW<p>

well there goes the plan of telling john. I sighed and put on some water for tea.

I spend the whole day looking at old cases, doing some experiments and just some reading. But I couldn't concentrate at all. All I could think of was how I should tell john. Sometimes I wondered if I actually should tell him but I tried to set that aside.

It quickly became dark again. I warmed up the leftovers and I ate something. Well I just took a few bites before throwing them away. I didn't feel hungry at all.

I was lying on the sofa when john came back home. I looked up as he entered the room and I could see a big smile on his face.

"Hey I thought I had told you not to wait for me to come home" he said while throwing his jacket on the chair.

"I wasn't waiting for you. I was thinking about some old cases" I sat upright and put away the file that was resting on my belly. "Where did you go to?"

john turned to me and his smile slowly faded. He was choosing his words carefully before saying "uhm.. Well I was on a date…" he sat down in chair and avoided eye contact.

A date.. He hasn't been on dates since we broke up…

"I see. And judging by the look on your face, it was a success?"  
>He looked at me, his eyes scanning my face, looking for a sign whether I would like to hear about his date or not.<p>

"Yea, it was amazing..." he said carefully.

I gave a little smile "what's his or her name?"

John now understood that I wanted to talk about it. "Mary" he said with a smile.

"She's absolutely amazing! She's beautiful, kind and funny!" he started to talk happily about his day. I just nodded from time to time but I wasn't quite listening. I don't know how much time went by, but when I snapped out of my thoughts, john had already gone. I looked around and saw his phone on the charger, his jacket hanging over a chair and his shoes stood next to the sofa so I concluded that he had gone to bed.

I sighed. "He has gone to bed…" I softly said to myself.

I got up, switched off all the lights and went to bed myself. I fell asleep immediately.

The door suddenly opened and I saw john standing in the doorway. He had a big grin on his face. I was a little confused because john never walked into my room unless something had happened.

"What's wrong?" I asked him while sitting upright in my bed.

John walked in and closed the door behind him. He climbed on the bed and slowly started to move towards me. I moved backwards.

"John…. What are you planning to do…?"

When he was close enough he grabbed my shoulders and pinned me down on the bed. I didn't protest, instead I just kept looking at him with surprise all over my face. John leaned in close to my face and I closed my eyes.

"Let's have some fun~" he whispered in my ear and gave a small bite in it.

I let out a small gasp and clanged onto the sheets.

"What do you think about that~?" again a small bite in my ear, this time followed by a kiss in my neck.

_No.. please don't… john please stop!_

was what I wanted to say but all that left my mouth was a small whimper.

John backed off a little and still had that big grin on his face.

"I take that as a yes" he grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it up, over my head but stopped at my arms so I couldn't move them. He leaned down and kissed my chest and i gave a shiver.

He slowly went down while trailing his tongue over my body. I desperately tried to get my arms free but it wasn't that easy. John saw what I was trying to do and smiled.

"you're trying to escape, why? Don't you like it" while he said those last words he suddenly grabbed my crotch and I gasped.

"well your body is telling me otherwise" he leaned in and kissed me deeply on the lips. I could feel him taking off my pants and I panicked. I started wrestle with my shirt more and more and then.. my arms came free!

I quickly pushed john away and I sat upright, panting heavily. John looked at me with a face switching from confusion to anger and back. But soon the confusion disappeared and all I could see was full anger.

"don't you like it?" he asked me in a soft and slow voice that scared me more than if he would scream it.

I slowly shook my head.

"and why not? Are you scared?" he slowly came closer to me and I backed off a little. I wanted to answer him but he didn't give me the time.

"or am I not good enough for you? Is that it?!" he started to raise his voice a little and all I could do was shake my head slowly.

"ooh that's it, isn't it? I'm not good enough for the great Sherlock Holmes! Well I'm sorry!" he came closer rather quickly now and I tried to back off some more but I fell off the bed.

John got off the bed and sat down on top of me while pinning me against the floor.

"well I'm sorry I'm not such a genius, know-it-all highly functioning sociopath like you!"

I tried to speak, to tell him that that it was not true. I wanted to tell him that he was good enough! More even! He was the best thing that had happened to me. Maybe even better than I deserved.

John said many more things but I didn't hear him anymore. I just looked him in the eyes and all I could see was blind anger. It was almost as if I couldn't recognize him anymore. Like the john I knew had gone…

I saw john raising his hand and making a fist from it. I wanted to close my eyes and just take the blow but I couldn't. I couldn't take my eyes off john, even now. I saw the fist coming closer and closer and just when it was going to touch my skin….

I woke up.

I sat upright in my bed and felt the tears stream down my face. I quickly wiped them off with my sleeve and pulled my knees up, leaning on them while burying my face in my arms. I softly began to cry. I didn't know why. I mean it was just a dream. Dreams can't hurt you but still… I felt pain inside of me.

I stayed like this for… well I actually don't know how long. It could be an hour, maybe two… well anyway it was already light outside and I could hear john come down the stairs.

He wasn't wearing any shoes so he must have had his day off. Good… I guess. I was not really sure if that was good. I mean I wanted john with me, but I also didn't…

I took a deep breath and just stared through the window in front of me. I could see the sun slowly climbing above the houses of London. I was lost in my thoughts and I didn't hear john enter my room.

"Sherlock…?"

I jumped because of the sudden voice and turned around. For some reason seeing john scared me and I backed off a little. John seemed to notice it and slowly took a step towards me.

"Sherlock..? what's wrong?" he asked, not in the harsh cold voice from my dreams but in the soft and caring voice from reality. I slowly shook my head.

"it's nothi-"

"don't tell me its nothing because there is clearly something wrong!" john cut me off, still slowly moving towards me and now on the bed.

I looked around a little as if I searched for words in the room, or I was just trying to avoid john's eyes. If that would be the case, I had failed because I soon found myself looking in them. In those blue, trustful eyes. I found myself once again frozen on the spot, but this time I didn't mind. I didn't mind that john was getting closer and soon softly placed a hand on my cheek. I didn't mind that he pulled me close against him and put his arms around me. To be honest, I didn't mind anything at that moment. All I wanted now was john.

I turned towards him, pushed him back down on the bed and buried my face in his jumper which smelled oh so nice.

John didn't complain and slowly stroked his hand through my hair. he finally spoke, softly, almost like a whisper.

"care to tell me what is wrong?"

I clanged onto his jumper some more without realising it, slowly getting up, looking him in the face. John looked at me with eyes filled of concern.

"j-just another dream…." I almost whispered while burying my face in his jumper once again. he continued stroking my head softly.

"that was not just a dream… Sherlock, what was it about?"

there it is. The question I expected but somehow hoped he wouldn't ask because I didn't want to answer. How was I even supposed to answer this? It's not like I can just say: 'oh it was about you john. About how you would leave me if I didn't go to bed with you.'

No. I couldn't say that… or could i…?

I felt john was still looking down at me and waiting for an answer. I took a deep, shaky breath.

"you…" I said in a soft voice that john probably didn't hear. And I was right.

"excuse me?" he said. He didn't hear me. I still had the chance to change my words. To lie to him. I leaned back a bit and looked at him.

"you. It was about you…" there, it was out and this time john did hear it.

"I see" he said and forced himself to smile "judging from the state you're in I wasn't nice in this dream was i? well… I'm sorry, for whatever I did in it to upset you this much."

I looked a little confused. "john it was a dream, you have no control over what you do in my head at all, so why are you apologising?"

"because whatever I did in your dream it probably somehow was based upon something I did in real life." He grabbed my arm, pulled me down on the bed with him and held me close "so I'm sorry"

again I was confused. Why did he hold me this close? Wasn't he dating that Mary woman? Or is this just a thing friends do…

I wanted to pull away from him but I didn't. it felt way too nice. John was so soft and warm. I just wanted to stay like this forever.

I don't know how long we stayed like this but it was for a long time. A really long time because it slowly began to darken outside. I slept for a little while in johns arm but most of the time I was awake and we just sat there. Staring at nothing, in silence.

The silence was broken by john's voice. "Sherlock…"

I just looked up at him.

"I need to get myself ready." He avoided eye contact.

"for what?"

john remained silent for a while but then answered. "I got a date with mary"

my stomach twisted. I needed to let john go so he could go on a date again? Loved someone else again… no… No! I didn't want that. I wanted john to stay with me, to hold me and just stay here.

"please don't go" I said, my voice softer than I had planned.

John looked down at me. Hesitation in his eyes. Then he softly pushed me aside. I felt a little scared and looked at him, waiting for what he might say or do.

"I'll call her, tell her something came up"

the feeling I had suddenly disappeared and was being replaced by happiness. I forced myself to smile.

"thank you"

he smiled back at me and walked out of my room to get his phone.

I fell back on the bed and looked at the ceiling. I felt so happy. John chose me over that girl. Of course I couldn't get my hopes up high now. I needed to take this slowly and tell him bit by bit about how I was feeling.

_How can he ever love you, if you don't even want to go to bed with him!_

A voice suddenly came into my head and I felt the tears burn in my eyes. No… no. if I just explained to john, if I just explained what I wanted and what I didn't want. I'm sure he would understand, I mean he's john after all!

A single tear slowly fell from my eye onto the bed. Then another, and another, and another. Before I knew it ,I was crying. I turned onto my belly and buried my face in a pillow. I tried to stop crying but I couldn't.

Then I felt a hand go softly through my curls. I quickly looked up and saw john smiling. I couldn't control it anymore and crawled into his arms again. John just held me and softly kept sussing me.

When the tears finally stopped falling, john softly pushed me back a bit and looked at me, still with that smile on his face.

"I called Mary. I explained her about us and told her that I wasn't ready."

I looked confused at him. "not ready for what?" my voice sounded broken.

"dating" he simply said.

"w-what?! But I thought… I thought you liked her so much" It hurt a bit to say this but it was the truth. John looked so happy when he talked about her. And to be honest, I never wanted anything more then seeing him happy. Even if it meant we wouldn't end up together.

John scratched the back of his head. "well, I guess I like her more as a friend"

I felt all warm inside but I tried to shake it off. Just that john wasn't ready for dating yet didn't mean he wanted me back. Even though I wished it with all my heart. Oh how I wanted to kiss him again. Feel every inch of his body. Just lying in bed for hours every night. Just like we did last night, but then without the sad and empty feeling.

I thought back at the time we were together. How john pulled me against him when I was irritated because I hadn't had a case for weeks. How that immediately calmed me. How my brain could only be at ease when I was around john. How he kissed me gently every single night. Oh those kisses, I missed them so much. I just wanted to turn around, pin john down and kiss him.

just when I thought about that I felt his fingers on my chin. I opened my eyes, apparently I had shut them just to get a better image, and saw john was close. Really close. Before I could protest I felt a familiar feeling of his lips pressed against mine. I froze on the spot.

after what seemed like forever, thank god, john broke away and looked at me with a smile playing on his face.

I was confused. John had just kissed me. But why? Did he want me back, did he still love me..? apparently john could read the confusion on my face.

"I'm sorry" he said, his smile slowly fading.

I looked confused once again and I wanted to ask him why he was sorry, I mean he didn't do anything wrong but john was faster.

"I'm sorry for breaking up because of what happened… I'm sorry for not noticing something was wrong with you and….. I'm sorry for not being here for you."

I didn't know what to say, and that was pretty rare for me, so I just looked at him.

john cupped my face in his hands and came close, our foreheads touching.

"I'm sorry for leaving you alone…" then he leaned in the last bit and kissed me again. Gentle and caring like before.

my heart skipped a beat at the sound of the words he said next. those words that always made me feel so warm and loved. those words that I missed so much. Those words that only meant something to me if they came from john's mouth.

"I love you"

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><p>Well that was it guys :3 i hope you enjoyed it!<p>

R&R and no Flames!


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